Q. So how does all of this apply to ending friendships?
A. Well friendship in general is one species of the virtue of charity or love.
So if friendship is a virtue in this sense, then it too must be ruled and directed by order if it is to be a true virtue.
Q. What does that mean? I still find that answer vague and theoretical.
A. Fair enough.
Let's look at it this way: you can have love for God, family and friends. Among friends some friendships are more important because for example she is your fiancée, or because you share more things in common or because you've been friends for longer. True friendship or true orderly virtue would mean respecting these different importances according to their priority. Friendship with recent new-found friends ranks lowest; above it is friendship that's existed for longer; above it friendship of whatever duration but where we share more things in common and so on.
Now if Cicero was correct in stating that loyalty is the most important characteristic of friendship, then regardless of the type or rank, loyalty will still be a core characteristic.
And this is where the contention arises: when loyalty to one friend necessarily implies letting another friend down.
Q. Finally!
A. Basic rule of thumb: order.
Q. Again?
A. Yes!
Q. In practice?
A. That greater friendships will and should always trump lesser friendships (and both of these should always trump all acquaintances).
Q. Could we make it even more practical?
A. Yes indeed!
God, family and friends. That's the rank of priorities. Demands of friendship with God should always trump demands from the other two friendships; demands from friendship with family should always trump demands from plain and simple friends.
Q. Is this definitive?
A. Ummm... Unfortunately not. It also depends on circumstances especially in family and friends.
Q. For example...
A. For example demands of loyalty to family change when you become an adult and change further when you get married and start your own family. This is where the jokes on overbearing mothers-in-law stem from: the mother-in-law in the stereotype doesn't realise that her child now has another friendship that ranks above that between her and her previously unmarried child.
If your spouse and your mother both ask you to do two different things that are mutually incompatible, order in friendship dictates that you should obey your spouse.
If one of the requests be sinful, then order in friendship dictates that you decline that request to remain loyal to your friendship with God which ranks higher, etc.
One beautiful example is from the 2nd book of Maccabees. Chapter 7. A mother with 7 sons witnesses each of them being brutally tortured and martyred as the ultimate price for them - under her unwavering encouragement - remaining loyal to their friendship with God.
For purposes of today's post, what caught my attention in this incident is that the mother ranked loyalty to God as trumping her sons' loyalty to herself (family) or to the political leader at the time. Order.
Q. More food for thought!
A. As always!
Have a friendly week!
4thSeptember 2016